Mindless Reaction

Yes i'm still alive

2006-06-26T22:20:00.000-06:00

I'm still alive, just been working alot lately. With shift changes and everything else i've only had 3 days off this month.

I will reply to the 56 e-mails i haven't checked and I still believe I owe 2 friends dinner. Got some good stories from work and slowly recovering from the playoff hangover.

Will update soon and give $50 for whoever brings me Chris Pronger's wifes head on a stick.

Random Thoughts

2006-05-31T21:29:00.000-06:00

* Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it enables you to look for it in more places.
* Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.
* Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.
* The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
* When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you're in a public restroom.
* Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
* Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.
* Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.
* A man who can smile when things go wrong has found someone to blame it on.
* The world is full of willing people: some willing to work and some willing to let them.

O' Canada

2006-05-29T19:30:00.000-06:00

In case you haven't seen it yet, this is from two games ago but is another example of the great atmosphere playoff hockey creates. Not just vandalism and looting.

Paul got a night off and 17000 helped out. Yes the cameraman is tone deaf, but no it wasn't me.

I Think I'm In Love With...

2006-05-24T17:49:00.000-06:00

Fernando Pisani

1) Sorry Darren but you're moving

2) I'm not gay but I just might learn

First of all I know he is not the most attractive man and Yes i have ripped on him for 3 years wondering why the hell he was in the NHL. But being the man I am.. I will acknowledge where i'm wrong. Leading the NHL in playoff goal scoring is only one reason why I love Fernando Pisani. Playing for the Oilers and growing up in Edmonton is another.

But the main reason why I love him is for the clutch goals and for the amazing experience he added to playoff hockey in the city. Ive been an advocate all year long for the oilers just so that we can experience this city at playoff time. Last night I experienced something new. Beyond the regular bar experience where strangers hug and high five, i was in volved in my very first "bar wave" Every single person in the bar including the cooks took part. Beyond that being as great as it was having pretty "girls bar crowd surfing", was even more interesting.

If the festival atmosphere wasn't enough Thanks to Fernando Pisani and a quick acting bar manager, I was part of something that no one could ever imagine. Between 50 - 80 grown manly men, not all intoxicated impromptly joined arms swayed and sang along to this song, verse and all for about 2 min.

( Yes somehow I knew the words. Stick it out to the chorus and i bet you somehow know them too)

One Week Left

2006-05-20T21:21:00.000-06:00

One week left of death camp. I'm actually going to miss it a little. I just realized that the oilers would make the finals as I begin working afternoons and i'd miss 3-4 games. I kind of like having my old schedule (Monday to Friday) back. But then again it's official that everyone in my class now hates me. It's bad enough everyone else there has waited anywhere between 18 mo. and 5 years to get enrolled in the class, but they decided to announce in the middle of class thursday morning that i have been hired officially full time and eserve congratulations. Needless to say the other 21 people (some who have full time hours but not the benefits of being hired full time, and others who have been trying for 5 yearsto get either) were not overly impressed with a guy who has 6 shifts under his belt being hired.

But it was o.k. we were only practising punching people in the neck that afternoon. Good times, i'm sure they only hit me at 50% like they were supposed too. But anyways I am very proud of myself but obviously due to jealousy can't outwardly show it.

Guess How Many Boobs I Saw....... 7

2006-05-13T10:56:00.000-06:00

A remarkable home playoff game, on a friday night, that we won, and that ended just as bar hours were getting started. Sounds like a good recipe to go down to whyte ave to me. It was a great time the streets were closed and it was pandemonium.

I actually saw a lot more than 7 boobs but who can fault the ladies for bearing it all with the ever clever whyte ave playwrights coming up with such lymerics as: "take-it-off for Sam-son-ov", "titties for smytty" and "show-your-guns for Rol-o-son" I guess if you have hundreds of people chanting the these lines+ booze + low self esteem = jackpot. Don't get me wrong i'm not complaining, I just find it funny. And then there are always the few guys that give unruly mobs a bad name. Fights broke out because boyfirends didn't appreciate there girlfriends taking it off for Samsonov and decided to snap. Of course one fight leads to another and etc. It was at this point about 1:00 am it was time to go home.

As my friends can attest... if something is stupid, I will probably like it. I beginning to think this may be why I like this city.

I'm sure looking back it will seem fun

2006-05-09T19:27:00.000-06:00

I was really looking forward to this month long course and all the interesting things I was going to learn. Being the cocky macho guy I am I thought learning to kick ass and fighting was going to be fun.

I've been sprayed, gassed, tasered and have had my ass beat up and down the gym for only 7 days now with five of them being considered "classroom" I hurt in every joint I have and can barely move. They even managed to turn my good allie logic against me because there are no mats or pads in real life, and it's a "new" course and way of teaching. Today we were lucky because we got to go home early... Only after nine hours. And only after there was a broken hand, collar bone, suspected broken ankle (verdict not back yet) two severely sprained ankles, a separated shoulder, and 7 stitches. Close to a half of the class was absent so the trainers were nice enough to call it off. I spent the extra time getting my very first speeding ticket and my fifth seatbelt ticket.

Anyway my fingers are swollen and sore making me type like Earl, so I'll update you again later.

Go Oilers (I still believe)

The Suckiest Thing That Ever Sucked

2006-05-03T19:55:00.000-06:00

So it's been about 4 hours now and my face seems o.k. but every muscle in my body hurts along with a migraine and a sustained sense of nausea, and swollen, slightly burning eyes

I had the priveledge of being Tasered / pepper sparayed and Tear gassed today (not the military stuff but something compatable)

All I can say is that all of these equate to the suckiest thing that ever sucked. If I ever were to piss off a cop my vote goes to being tasered. It is by far the worst feeling you will ever have but it lasts for the 5 seconds and then you are pretty much back to normal. I have 2 beautiful fish hook scars in both my shoulders and sore muscles as the after effct.

The spray on the other hand didn't go so well. In both cases I had bad reactions. Most people in my class did except for the one guy we all thought was the biggest wuss. He walked around and took the direct hit with the cannister in the room with the gas and voluntarily got sprayed 3 times because his only effect was a little cough.

Oh to be that lucky. Of course it hurt, it sucked but as I was trying to tell the instructors i could care less about the burning or my eyes. I couldn't breathe. I don't know if it was the spray as bad as the instant decontamination in about 1 degree showers. Instant migraine, neck and upper body muscles locked, legs shaking and nausea added to the severe pain and disorientation,on top of this they were forceing my body and head under a freezing shower. Maybe it was excited delerium but I seriously wouldn't breathe. I couldn't it was a constant feeling of shock like you just jumped in the lake for the first time unexpectedly. Every muscle hurt so bad and I spent the next hour just literally shaking from cold. I agree we were lucky to have instant decontamination after a brief struggle with the gas and spray... and the showers probably did help the eye, but it was spraying baby shampoo right into the eyes which really helped. I looked like a tomato and it burned like shit, and I never started to recover until i requested a sink where i could dunk my head open my eyes, and still breathe. The last thing you need to add to the sense of helplessness and death is hypothermia. Your body is already in shock, tightening the lungs and getting a lung full of water when you do remember to breathe doesn't help.

I couldn't believe they would put us through all of this in one day but now looking at it and being stupid enough to figure no big deal to any of the tasks, ( I knew it wasn't going to be fun, but I figured I could handle it. like with the spray, I expected it to burn like shit and impair vision. I never expected all the phisiological symptoms and the severity) i'm glad they put us through it all today. It is something that I would like to avoid in my future because all i can say is everything about it sucked. I lived, didn't have the worst reaction and the sense of relief when you can FINNALLY feel yourself getting better, re-orientating yourself and breathing, is a great feeling that makes you look back and say... it wasn't that bad. But that's only because your mind has blocked out the pain and the panic.

Wish I either had some good friends to go through this with or even someone to come home to because it sucked. Our class hasn't really become a group yet but that's expected after only 3 days. This is one hell of an excersice to force that issue along though.

P.S. A lot of respect to "D". I imagine he had to go through the military tear gas and shit, I don't even want to know what that felt like.

Still Cursed

2006-05-01T22:31:00.000-06:00

In careful deliberation with my little bro we decided to stay home and watch the Oiler game. Needless to say after being down 2-0 and horibly outplayed and a little pissed off we went to our game at the last minute.

Go figure I missed the most esciting thing ever. Anyway I got my puckhead and am off to Whyte.

P.S. I wasn't crying it was hair gel and sweat in my eyes because of my helmet

Good Day or Bad Day

2006-05-01T17:18:00.000-06:00

My first day embarking on my 5 week correctional trining college. First days' in school are always a tossup???

First game of Summer Hockey!!! is it going to be a good or bad Game ??? Season??? Team???
I pulled a few strings and it will be the first time in eight years i get to play organized hockey with my little bro. I'm excited and he is nervous. He is good but has to be rusty with not playing for 5 years. Will he be accepted? Will he have fun? How will I feel if he sucks or the team feel towards me???

And finnally I could be the happiest man in the city if The Oilers win tonight. I've been wearing a puckhead around town as a hat since I remembered to put it on and we scored 3 goals in the second period Sat.

Then again NO OILERS LEAD IS SAFE

We'll just have to wait and see

My Sacrafice

2006-04-27T23:37:00.000-06:00

Headache
Sore throat
Blue scalp
Raw face (scrubbing off temp tattoos)
Emotionally drained
Broken heart

This is what I have tonight after the Oilers game. I came home extremely angry ready to add Mark Jaunette (the ref) to my "list" when upon surprise, he is already on it for the
May 21st game against Vancouver; I was at and he ruined. So instead I will add the Fido company for making it impossible to access your voicemail from any other phone other than yours without having memorized, 17807071123. Talk about user friendly.

For The good of the city I am (considering) boycotting watching any further Oilers games. If it is what I have to do to keep us from blowing this... I will.

Playoffs Day 2

2006-04-22T21:05:00.001-06:00

So it's 2 days into the playoffs and every series has played one game. Yes the Oilers lost in seemingly the worst way. Leading with under 7 minutes to go and then losing in double overtime with both of those goals coming on bad luck bounces.

Surprisingly I'm not that upset. I would always rather lose 7 - 0 than in overtime because you have the whole game to accept it. Part of me feels bad because we could have won, but the rest of me knows that we should have lost 7-1. The only Oiler to show up was the goalie. It's kind of ironic that the one game our goalie stands on his head the team doesn't show up. I could blame the poor reffing , the bad bounces, the fact we couldn't put the game away having 3 breakaways when we were up by a goal and we decided to play the trap instead of Oilers hockey, but I won't.
It was a very boring game that we deserved to lose.

On the plus side I watched the most entertaining game of the year so far today. If anyone caught the buffalo Philadelphia game you will know why I love hockey. It was how the game was meant to be played.. Rough and fast. The style the Oilers should play. They may lose but it is better than watching them trying to trap.

Also in this game I saw the sweetest thing all year I had to give you all the highlights but see if you can pull the clip out.

Tomorrow's Prediction: The Oilers will win because I was real smart and when picking my shifts for the week, I picked all dayshifts. Being off at 3 I thought would guarantee that I could watch all the games. Who knew there would be an 11 AM game. I can't watch the game so naturally the Oilers should win.

Playoffs

2006-04-21T16:17:00.000-06:00

I love playoff time. For 2 months nothing but hockey on t.v. It's not just hockey but meaningful entertaining hockey. You can watch any two teams and enjoy it, not just your team. Having your team in it just expands the entertainment into a mass hysteria. In about an hour I get to watch the one thing i look forward to every year.

Since i was a kid I would park myself in front of th t.v. to see the cbc intro's to the hockey games. Between them the oilers song on the radio, and the introduction at the collesium I get goosebumps and such a rush of adreniline I feel like going and starting a war. More so than the games themselves this is what I look forward too.

It's the beauty of sport, It is the original unscripted reality show with protagonists and antagionists and separateing it from most fiction is that the bad guys do win. There are opportunities for fairy tales and miracles, but overall it is just entertainment. Entertainment that can bring a city together. We all feel that our team represents us and somehow we are a part of it win or lose.

Starting tonight I will either avoid all media for 2 days or stay up all night to watch the same highlights over and over until 3 in the morning. Being honest I don't think that the good guys are going to prevail in the end. But I have my hope and I have my tickets... and nothing left to do but watch the story unfold.

Go Oil

Going Well

2006-04-19T16:28:00.000-06:00

Work is going really well, I forgot why I didn't like it before... It was because it was too slack and I needed more. This prison is much more dynamic than static in terms of my involvement and I love it. It's still the most slack job I have ever had, but now I think I'm old enough to appreciate it. Hey I got paid triple time to ump an inmate baseball game on Easter????

The only thing I wish for is that Darren, Jason or even Aydarus was my partner. The day relies on who you are with. It effects how the job is done and how much fun you have. I've met some nice people and don't have a set partner until after my month long training, but it would be the best job in the world if it was Darren and I running a unit. I'm sure I'll make new friends and after I get to know them it will be well, but the people are the only thing I miss from the gate.

The only down part other than my golfing this morning, is that when I'm single I focus and work real hard to accomplish my career goals. I have become really successful at it and have fun and am generally happy. (not just now... Every time) Except when I come home I feel a little empty because I have no one to share it with. The goals themselves are set not so much for me, but so that I can feel comfortable in starting a family and being able to make others happy. Being successful so that I can feel comfortable in not letting my loved ones down. When I am not single it takes too much time and effort away from my goals. I am not content in being satisfied with just having the relationship because I have never felt comfortable in my place or in being able to support a family or be a husband / boyfriend, for the long term. No matter what happens I know I will make it for myself. The thing that I can't risk bringing down someone I care about if things do happen and I can't support them in the way I feel they need to be supported. Its the unhappy cycle you face when you base your successes on trying to make other people happy other than yourself.

Oilers are in, I am happy except for the 11:00 start on Sunday. I picked my shifts so I wouldn't miss a game but I guess it backfired. Tickets are on sale tomorrow and I am registered for advance tickets tomorrow... So start sucking up now.

The Facts and the Formula

2006-04-12T19:20:00.000-06:00

(this blog has been translated to French at the end for the benefit of our French readers...(Jason)

The Facts

I started my training again for my new job this week and even though I haven't even seen the actual physical layout of the cells yet, and am totally overwhelmed with the mass influx of new procedures and paperwork, I'm thinking it will be o.k.

It is so nice not to have to beg for equipment, and better yet not to pay for equipment. I've got a kick ass uniform, military sweater, jacket, handcuffs, kevlar gloves, police boots, belts, socks, and pepper spray. (Thank you Ralph for splurging on black socks for your employees, we'll miss you.)

Beyond the kick ass stuff the training is actually good. It is not made up shit to impress a client it is actually useful and meaninful to the job. Beyond this I am happy that my $40,000 piece of paper I received from my education may finally be paying off.

Today I received a letter, I haven't figured out how to work my scanner yet only my copier so I will translate a condensed version for you.

Dear Cam

You already kick ass, but we want to teach you how to be Chuck Norris

Warden

You should start off as a wage and then C.O. I , C.O. II, C.O. III. For some reason I have already been promised full time hours 6 on and 3 off no nights, and labeled C.O. I. Also, I have been put ahead of everyone in my class and many regular C.O. I's at the centre already to take the extensive 6 week kick ass training course. This takes place at the solicitor general college and is the C.O.II course. They have also scheduled me for the C.O. II interview.

This normally takes officers 2-5 years for the opportunity I will have complete in 2 months (if I don't screw up... It is me remember). The course itself only comes twice a year and F.S.C.C. only has 2 seats. Did I mention I haven't even seen the cells yet!!! I enjoy the $22 / hour wage and soon to be $45000 - $52000 a year salary I' will be making but this is all coming so fast.

The course starts May 1st so my shedule will be crazy, if I miss calling you or hanging out this is why.

The Formula

The formula to happiness is as follows:
Oilers win both of their 2 games, and..
Vancouver loses one of their last 3

ribbit, ribbit, croak, surrender, bagguette, brisbois, rouge, alloette, ribbit

Horrible..... but funny

2006-04-06T10:25:00.000-06:00

More Updates

2006-04-04T11:11:00.000-06:00

Ate another apple
Got voicemail
Bought a modem and internet so I guess I have to pick up a computer tomorrow.
Oilers didn't suck
So very poor and afraid.

Update

2006-04-03T07:57:00.000-06:00

I had an apple this weekend

It was a pretty good apple,

In fact, it was an apple that a non apple eater might consider a first rate apple, but it wasn't even an apple that an apple connoisseur would consider .

Glorious Day!!!!!

2006-03-21T11:18:00.000-07:00

My girlfriend and I broke up, my car is broken and I quit my job

Go Oilers

Random stuff

2006-03-20T12:07:00.000-07:00

Why do you feel so physically and mentally wonderful after a psychotic episode?

Funny link

Why does it take more unknown and insecurity in the present to ensure something stable in the future??? (stay tuned for an announcement)

I can't believe family guy ripped off a segment from another show

Please bring the vacuum over Mel

Vote for Kringer

Go Oilers

Travesty

2006-03-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

I urge everyone to join me in a boycott and world wide hunt for the makers of this highly offensive video. This video not only shakes the foundation of everything I believe in... But it takes it a step further and destroys a pretty good song as well.

(Its slow at the beginning but watch the whole thing. It's worth it)

Sh..................IT

2006-03-09T09:05:00.000-07:00

I have to list 5 embarrassing things because i've been tagged "It" by Mel. I first of all want to thank all parties who didn't tag me and protest because the rules clearly state, "tag 5 other people".... not 7. Since the arbitration hearing would take too long I'm just going to comply.

5 embarrassing things:

1) I used to shave my hockey number into the side of my head.
2) I'm dating a nefwie and I'm friends with a frenchman (Jason)
3) I enjoy popping zits. Especially when they blow all over the mirror.
4) The only book i've ever read cover to cover is "Garfield at large"
5) I had to stop myself from cying at the end of "Mr. 3000" and "the replacements" yet "the notebook" had no effect

Question?

2006-03-02T09:20:00.000-07:00

What is more screwed up:

A) The management at my job
B) The fact my little brother is a dad at 1100hrs today
C) The way Kevin and I looked during our first Dance-Step areobic class
D) This website (please watch the video)

hmmmm

What the ?????

2006-03-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

I am not even going to rant today. I'm just going to give you a synopsis of the meeting I was just in and leave it to you to figure out why the only thing I've done this week is apply to other jobs.

My security staff was chastised and policies put into place (nobody is to touch marquise equipment at any time) and our company may have to pay for a clogged vacuum because one of my guys was kind enough to go out of his way to vacuum administration and help out the maintenance staff because they were busy.

I'm sorry we didn't know there was a "right" and a "wrong" vacuum to use, and now a week later the power head isn't working. But whatever... we were just trying to help. Just another day of bullshit right? like getting screamed at because one of my officers is wearing his fleece jacket, or listened to the painter (instead of management who wasn't onsite) as to when the paint would be dry. I'll let it go.....Here is the next point in the meeting:

We also have a new policy that if Credit cards don't swipe they are not to be accepted at customer service. A customer came in and asked what the maximum amount they could put on a gift card was. The C.S. agent said $500. The customer said Sure I'll do that then. After several attempts to swipe the card nothing registered. Without checking security markings to see if it even was a real card / or calling the company / or checking ID / or even taking an imprint of the card (which is legally what you have to do if it doesn't swipe) the representative just wrote down the name on the card and the number on a scrap piece of paper.

The representative did this again a half hour later for the same person. You'll never guess it but believe it or not it wasn't a real card and they are out $1000. Time for them to get in shit right.... right...

Quote from the general manager, "Is your staff member o.k., I hope and I want you to tell them that it's o.k. and nothing to worry about. They were trying to help the customer and in the moment it happens. If anything we learned a valuable lesson"

Why does stupidity get rewarded.

Weekend Time Killers

2006-02-25T21:03:00.000-07:00

Just some links I thought I'd leave to you this weekend.

The best blog ever

Fat Cat (make sure you look at the pics)

Lame E-Cards

Have a good weekend

One Year Later...

2006-02-23T22:27:00.000-07:00

So I have made it. It has been exactly one year since all my hopes and dreams were destroyed. I'm slowly getting back to myself and I have to thank a lot of people for their support and patience while I come to terms with what happened.

It wasn't even what happened to me it was what happened within me that affected me so much and is so hard to change. It was a huge blow to learn the hard way that the truth is subjective. It doesn't matter what you know to be true or that what you are saying is the actual truth. The truth becomes whatever the other person believes to be true. There is nothing you can do. The actual truth is meaningless when it is not believed.

I also was naive enough to think that one controls their own destiny. It's a disheartening outlook but is pretty true that your life is controlled by other people. It doesn't matter who you are, what you have done, or what you can do. What matters more is whether the person interviewing you is having a bad day, or sick or having relationship problems. Their decision based upon an hour or less of knowing you affects your career, and your credit and whether you get that loan so you can buy that house so you can start that family. Your destiny is 90% controlled by the decisions other people make. Life is like going to the casino. You can set yourself up with the best odds, but it all comes down to timing and luck.

I could handle losing my dreams and wasting 5 years of my life striving towards a goal but I couldn't handle losing myself. I lost, and am still trying to fully recover my self confidence and self-worth. I have been trying to convince myself that I do have some control over my life. I will succeed and I thank many of my friends for helping me recover.

I am still so scared I get sick; of the now uncertainty of my future, but I know I will be o.k. I have 2 wonderful friends who have listened and supported me through everything. I love them very much and sometimes over react when I think about them striving for their goals and future because I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I have other very wonderful friends. Including ones who always believed in me and supported me in the good times. I abandoned some of these friends, one inparticular without notice. As mean and wrong as I had treated this person, knowing that I am forgiven and that they would still be there for me if I needed anything means the world to me. I also have a great supportive girlfriend who's only problem is she cares so much for me and is so sweet and mushy I feel inadequate because I can't verbalize or actualize my feelings towards her as good as she can. I feel the same way, I just can't express it as well.

The year turned for the better when I met a new friend and I have to thank him for a lot. Without knowing my past or much about me he has supported me endlessly and has changed my life for the better. Jason has assisted me and convinced me without pushing to quit smoking (since Aug. 01) and to start working out (lost 28lbs) and to strive for new goals and jobs. But most importantly Jason has taught me a valuable lesson:
That things could be a lot worse....
I could get beat up at work by someone who's 5'8", or worse...... I could be french.

Next Step:
Find a job where I can contribute and learn. Although I love my current job it is sucking the life out of me because i've given all I have. I can no longer make things better. I just strive to keep things status quo.

P.S. Tomorrow I am most likely becoming an Uncle. You know you're getting old when your younger siblings are having children

Public Service Announcement

2006-02-22T08:15:00.000-07:00

Two things you should know for your own safety...

1. I will be hiding at work watching the Canadian hockey game today around 12:30. Anyone who disrupts me will probably be fired or worse.... Forced to work here longer

2. If Canada loses you may want to avoid me for a while. I suggest about 4 years while I settle down

You have been warned.

Hockey God Conspiracy

2006-02-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

Why is it whenever I plan my evening or whole weekend around watching hockey, whether it be the Oilers or Team Canada's junior, Olympic, or world championship team, the games always seem to be the most boring frustrating events of all time with the team I am hoping for getting it's ass beat worse than Jason at work.

It absolutely never fails. I clear my Friday night and re-arrange my whole schedule to watch the Oilers get stomped by the worst teams in the league or wait 4 years to watch Olympic hockey, (due to the time zone I can only really watch and enjoy 2 games unless we make the gold medal game) and change my whole schedule, staying up all night to watch us get shutout by both the Swiss and the Finns

I really wouldn't care if we just sucked. But why then every time I'm at work or unable to watch do we play and win these close games. We get shut out by the Swiss but can win a nail biter against the favored Czechs. I only miss about 5 oilers games a year and every time I get phone calls of how great the game is. Every Oilers playoffs I have playoffs as well and every game I am unable to watch because I'm playing The oilers magically win. When I spend $300 to go to the playoff games... We play like div 2 rec league team.

A list of things I love more than Mel

2006-02-14T09:05:00.000-07:00

--------------------------End of list-------------------------
*Yes this list took into consideration the Oilers, Kringer, hockey and Darren.
** In no way was I forced or coherced into publishing this due to yesterday's post.

Happy Valentines Day!

2006-02-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Message to my sweetheart ;)

Point System

2006-02-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

Updated list of the points race for March 21st Row 3 seats to the Edmonton Oilers vs Vancouver Canucks

Darren
Would cheer for hockey +5
Puts up with Cam at work+10
Would drink appropriate amount to have fun +15
Is not pregnant +5
Quit smoking +10
Having a body of a (terribly ill) greek god naturally +5
Has nicer skates than me -5
Has no boobs +0
Is going to Japan - 5

Week #1 total = 45 points

Chrissy
Would Cheer for Oilers +10
Puts up with Darren +15
Would not drink (never drinks) +5
Is not Pregnant +0
Never smoked +5
Goes to gym +10
Has worse skates than me +5
Has boobs +10
Is going to Japan -5

Week #1 total= 55 points

Kevin
Would cheer for the Oilers on the outside and Vancouver on the inside +5
Puts up with Christina / her mom +20
Would not drink (always drinks) +0
Is Pregnant +5
Never smoked +5
Goes to gym +10
Has no skates +0
Has man boobs +5
Isn't ditching me for another country +5

Week #1 total= 55 points

Mel
Would cheer for Cam +5
Puts up with Cam at home +10
Will drink too much fall down aisle and cause us to leave for medical reasons -5
Is not pregnant +10
Quit smoking +10
Goes to gym + 10
Has nicer skates than me -5
Has boobs +10
Isn't ditching me for another country +5

Week #1 total = 50 points

Jason
Is french and doesn't blog = Disqualified

Hooray for Hockey

2006-02-06T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ah pond hockey... nothing like getting beat up repeatedly by little strangers while my firends took pictures. I was wondering where all my bruises came from.

Here's Mel pulling hair like a girlI'm not turtling... I fell honestly

Ode to Ryan Smyths mullet

I'm just rope ' a dopin him..

Special thanks to C&D, you can view more of their pictures on the seedy life or on melsie's world

Blog Already

2006-02-01T08:15:00.000-07:00

One of the most annoying things in the world is being a fan of a blog that consistently won't update. Everyday, a few times a day, I check a few certain blogs of friends of mine or the ones I just enjoy reading. One blog... To protect the identity of the writer, we'll call it "Toronto's baseball teams Kingdom of insight" is nice enough only to provide this insight once a month when provoked enough. I think that this is very irresponsible and the writer has a due diligence to his fans to provide more damn wisdom, er.. uh I mean insight.

I demand a stop to this Terrel Owens type behavior of this writer who has let the success of his blog go to his head. He claims to be a professor or a prophet. What use does it serve if you have these powers and do not share them. He's forgot what made him a professional blogger and what got him to this point of stardom. Professional blogging has become too commercialized and he's forgot his roots. He used to blog for the joy and now he only blogs for the business. He forgot why he started to blog in the first place. He probably can't even remember blogging as a young child with his friends and family, when it was done for the good of the blog. He's lost touch.

To this writer, all I can say is; I emplore you to please remember your roots and write to us your fans, a blog.... any blog. Even a blog telling us you're to busy to care about your loyal fans because you are learning to drive. A blog about the success of classes learning to drive, or even a blog about your bosses birthday party.

Just remember without the fans... there is no blog.

Cold Medication

2006-01-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Do they make any cold remedies that actually work? You would think that in the last century of invention and medical advancement someone would be working on a serum that would dispose of the common cold virus. When considering it is the #1 cause of man hours lost in business. (including absenteeism and employees who show up but are completely unproductive and useless such as myself) It would be a huge benefit to society to send the common cold the way of cow pox.

Maybe the medical companies make too much money off all the placebos they sell to treat the symptoms instead of the problem. If you don't eradicate the virus but come up with something that temporarily eases the symptoms, you have stumbled upon a gold mine. You ensure business by not solving the problem. Virus = Cash

I know I'm reaching with this one. I am just convinced that the purpose of cold medications is to make you so stoned you don't even realize you are sick. So today I am at work unable to walk a straight line, keep my eyes from crossing, and tripping out to the cctv cameras. ( you know how t.v is actually just a bunch of pictures shown so fast you cant see the break in between them and it creates movement etc. I can see the shutter in between each picture)

Enough of my ramblings,I'm going to go back to work now to try and find the guy who put all this cotton in my mouth. If you see him let me know.

P.S. What ever happened to whooping cough???? Was it just an 80s fad??? I guess it doesn't have the ring Avian flu does.

I am a Jeenius

2006-01-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

Ha ha ha ha ha, a message to all you simpletons out there after taking a mensa test online I am a certifiable genius. I will try to keep this communication in terms and language that you all will understand. The ranking for a genius was 19 out of 33. I (with help from my lovely assistant) we scored 31 / 33. With my new found fame I am going to retire from my monday to friday job, isolate myself becoming a hermit, and take out a government grant to study the effects Frasier has on society.

Anyone who can answer number 31 or 33 (without googling or cheating) is welcome to join my new community of geniuses who together will separate ourselves from the weight of societies ignorance and drink nothing but Tang. But alas I find this blog elementary and pedantic.

Why I love Mel

2006-01-16T09:51:00.000-07:00

I love Mel for many reasons. I have never met someone so beautiful and naturally good hearted in my life. I have never met someone as tolerant to put up with my stupidity and still swallow their anger and except the fact I'm a dork, and it's not meant to be personal. She is caring, passionate, and intelligent, with the dedication and desire to accomplish all her goals. I also love Mel because if she had blonde hair she'd look like He-man

Please Vote II

2006-01-13T15:58:00.000-07:00

For all of you fine people who have supported Kringer and myself i would like to thank you and re-assure you that Kringer will be making her debut on www.ratemykitten.com sometime early next week. Please log on an show your support with a 10 ranking.

In the meantime you can also take the Kringer poll.
Thank you to all of the Kringer Battlecat supporters

**This has been a paid advertisement for the vote for kringer campaign**

Please Vote

2006-01-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

This January I emplore all of you fine people to vote. Vote not just in the federal election but please go to www.ratemykitten.com and vote for Kringer.

If you can't find the picture on the site you can search it under the name Kringer as of tomorrow. We need your votes they are integral for Kringers self esteem and sense of belonging. She'd rate you a 10 why not return the favor?

Simple logic

2006-01-05T11:57:00.000-07:00

Jason, Jason, Jason

2006-01-04T08:55:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to avoid anymore comments stating "what about Jason". Jason you are very much appreciated and we all love you. Ah but enough with the mushy stuff.... I'll get to the point of what you have been waiting for.......

More dumb pictures of cats: you're welcome

This has nothing to do with New Years

2006-01-02T20:58:00.000-07:00

Last year in retrospect really sucked in most aspects other than my personal / social life. Other than my friends being wonderful, I have nothing to reminisce or talk about. The past is the past, I've learned from it and it is behind me, and that's where it will stay.

I hate resolutions and don't see why people have to wait until new years to set goals or to attempt to make their lives better. It doesn't work... You cannot pick a random day and expect to succeed. You have to do things and set goals and rid vices when you are ready.

Needless to say I have set a new goal for myself because I believe I am now physically and mentally ready. I am (as of this random day) proceeding with my police applications again. I am physically ready for the RCMP and by the time I acquire everything I need to apply I should be able to pass EPS' physical.

I want to say I will have my applications in by my birthday but I know how long it takes to acquire all the paperwork a person needs. As long as I am attempting and progressively after everything I need, I will not deem it as a failure if I have to wait until February.

The only reason I am writing this is because I need help from my friends to overcome some demons and insecurities I have with attempting this again. Please don't let me procrastinate or lose confidence in myself.

I feel very strongly tonight.... Who knows how I will feel tomorrow.

Hindsight

2005-12-29T12:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm at work today processing what I have accomplished in the last year and setting goals for 2006. One of my main goals is to acquire my career. Although I still hope that my career of choice is still attainable, I am looking for other options. I can't believe this year is over already and I don't want to think about being here when "D" leaves . In looking for job opportunities I stumbled upon this: (if you don't want to read it click here: )
http://www.canuckcareers.com/content/jobs/44802.html

Security Manager City of Edmonton

Salary: $40k to $45K range plus car allowance, cell phone, computer, gas card, and a bonus package based upon business growth

Experience Needed: 5 Yrs

Date Posted: 05-Dec-05
Expiry Date: 04-Jan-06

Location: Edmonton,Alberta,Canada
Company: BDM Staffing SolutionJob Description:
THE COMPANY

A nationwide security company, offering clients an integrated, end-to-end set of services and solutions with the size and expertise to handle all of a clientÂs security needs at a local, or international level.
Services cover all security needs from armored cash services to security in client facilities, retail loss prevention, airport security, and special investigations. Their strategy is to hire and train the best people and build dedicated teams of experienced consultants and specialists, and deploying the advanced and proven technology to tie it all together.

THE OPPORTUNITY
As the City Manager you will be responsible for running your branch and ensuring the Operations Manager and H.R. managers are doing their jobs on a day-to-day basis in dealing with the guards and in meeting client needs. Your mandate will include bringing on new business, bidding on proposals, and dealing with clients concerns ensuring the overall financial well being of the branch, ensuring that costs stay within budgets and that the branch maintains a positive bottom line.

COMPENSATION
Salary commensurate with experience in the $40k to $45K range plus car allowance, cell phone, computer, gas card, and a bonus package based upon business growth.

QUALIFICATIONS/KEY REQUIREMENTS
Our ideal candidate must have a security background; a solid understanding of the security industry to be able to relate to client needs, and be able to function effectively in an often stressful, high-pressure environment. Additionally your familiarity with the city and relationships with property managers will aid you in acquiring new business, bidding on proposals.

NOTICE TO APPLICANTS: This company offering this opportunity has engaged the BDM Staffing Solution. Please expect a response to your application via email within 24 hours. If you do not receive a reply to your application within 24 hours, we invite you to follow up by calling us at 1-800-379-5629.

Then I realised, This mystery company had already offered me this job. In fact I have the exact same proposal sitting at home. I even called this "company" to confirm that this position was for them, to avoid me actually applying for a position I have already turned down. I now look at this and decide if I made the right decision. It is amazing how good things look on paper... but life is more than compensation. Financially and career wise no, i probably didn't make the right decision... but I wouldn't give up my mental health, morals, and a chance to spend 4 days a week with "d" for all the "image" in the world.

After all... perception is reality ... and I have a pretty damn good perception.

Merry Christmas Everybody

2005-12-24T11:57:00.000-07:00

If you aren't in the Christmas spirit yet... Let me help:

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=14659

No need to thank me.

Finally someone said it

2005-12-19T13:50:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas everyone. Since my rants are too long to read, I will leave you with a cartoon that expresses my feelings a lot better than I ever could.

Enjoy

http://www.illwillpress.com/xmas.html

Santarchy

2005-12-19T10:00:00.000-07:00

WELLINGTON, N.Z. (AP) - A group of 40 people dressed in Santa Claus outfits, many of them drunk, went on a rampage through Auckland, New Zealand's largest city, robbing stores, assaulting security guards and urinating from highway overpasses, police said Sunday.

The rampage, dubbed Santarchy by local newspapers, began early Saturday afternoon when the men, wearing ill-fitting Santa costumes, threw beer bottles and urinated on cars from an overpass, said Auckland Central Police spokesman Noreen Hegarty.
She said the men then rushed through a central city park, overturning garbage containers, throwing bottles at passing cars and spraying graffiti on office buildings.

One man climbed the mooring line of a cruise ship before being ordered down by the captain. Other Santas, objecting when the man was arrested, attacked security staff who were later treated by paramedics, Hegarty said.

The remaining Santas entered another downtown convenience store and carried off beer and soft drinks.
"They came in, said 'Merry Christmas' and then helped themselves," store owner Changa Manakynda said.

Two security guards were treated for cuts after being struck by beer bottles, Hegarty said. Three people, including the man who climbed on the cruise ship, were arrested and charged with drunkenness and disorderly behavior.
Alex Dyer, a spokesman for the group, said Santarchy is a worldwide movement designed to protest the commercialization of Christmas.

I love activists.

Sign me up!!!

2005-12-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

As usual working overly hard today I came across an ad that promises to teach me how to impale people using "knives, pens, pencils... even paper clips!"
I naturally wanted to learn more, so I decided to click the link. Here's what I found:

How To Instantly Inflict Devastating Damage From 20 Feet Away… Using Nothing More Than A Paperclip And These Viciously-Easy “Power Throwing” Tricks Developed By The Smallest Former Combat Expert To Ever Scare The Living Crap Out Of Entire Biker Gangs, Skinhead “Attack Squads” and Every Black Belt Jerk Who Ever Dared To Make Fun Of His Size!

I gotta admit, this is a pretty brilliant business plan. See, most of the time when you sell people bogus products that don't work, they'll bitch and moan and demand their money back. But in this case, when some idiot decides to test out his newly-acquired martial arts skills by attacking a gang of skinhead bikers with fucking paperclips, he'll just end up dead and you'll never have to pay back a single cent. Like I said, brilliant idea.
Wait - it gets even better!Better than killing people with paper clips? My God, man, how?!!?!! YOU MUST TELL ME!!!!!!

You can learn these "unbeatable" skills in an afternoon… and use them to be LETHAL with a knife, and truly SCARY with anything else you can get your hands on… including keys, pencils, broken glass and literally hundreds of other items that will always be around when you to TAKE SOMEONE OUT from across the room...

Wasting people from across the room WITH MY CAR KEYS!??! It's my innermost dream! Tell me more!!!
Here's one hell of a brutal "fight-solution" for you.

If your life is ever threatened by an attacker… no matter how big, mean, and ugly he is… I want you to throw a standard paper clip — just like the one pictured here -- and embed it deep into his forehead from 16-feet away. I assure you… He'll Run Like Hell… And Won't Dare Bother You Again!

Booooo! I don't want him running!!! I want him dead!!! I want him impaled with every piece of inventory from Staples on-line catalogue!!!!
No… I haven't been drinking. Give me a chance to explain.
I've just got my hands on some very exclusive info on the lost art of "power throwing"™ and I want to share it all with you. It's the real thing and this may be the last time you hear about this! So please… read on.
Here's what this is about: I call this power throwing™ a "lost art" because there's just FIVE masters who understand this - and four of them are either dead… in prison… or just won't talk.In other words, it's impossible to corroborate that such techniques even exist. Am I surprised? Sadly, no, as they say...
So you simply can't find this anywhere for any price.And that's why he's selling you a DVD about it for $97.

But now I've arranged your one chance to know these secrets. You'll discover how to throw and stick anything - even objects that seem absolutely harmless — with power… precision… and "dead-eye" accuracy."Sure, your wife will be terrified of ever having sex with you again, but at least you'll be able to gouge out peoples' eyes with a #2 pencil!"

I'm talking about easily impaling targets with a fork… wooden stick… pen… pencil… car antenna… plastic stake… butter knife - damn near anything you can find lying around. You'll even learn how to instantly create your own "improvised" throwing weapons (practically from thin air) - and get them to stick into your target across an entire room! "It'll be a smash hit at parties!"

Because the benefits of knowing exactly how to "take care of business" from across a room will infuse itself into every part of your life. The fear you may have felt around overbearing individuals will actually disappear… friends and family will suddenly notice a quiet, sure-footed gravity around you… and you'll suddenly possess an Alpha "presence" that unconsciously gains instant respect from others. Because nothing garners respect like impaling people with office supplies.

You just don't want to miss out on having this kind of personal confidence and power.
Because now you can fire off a pen from your top pocket and impale him before he gets close. Or use a simple paper clip… piece of silverware… chunk of wood… whatever YOU choose to pull from your bag of tricks."Yes, you can WHIP OUT any long, firm object from your pocket and use it to PENETRATE DEEP into ANY PART of someone's body!!!"

You'll suddenly have the SAME advantage of a .357 - without the legal hassles and without the risk of having your weapon fall into the hands of your attacker.
Having this information in your "arsenal" is as powerful as… Carrying Around A Cocked And Loaded gun...

I am personally going to lobby that all security companies make this course mandatory, to go along with the N.A.A.M. course they made us take where we learned how to rip peoples scalps off and tack them to walls. This tops the course where people brought fire pokers to class to demonstrate how they killed a man, and why they aren't allowed back in Vancouver.

So kids always remember... Knowledge is power!!!

De-activate all Activists

2005-12-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

What makes people so bored and unfulfilled in their own lives, that makes them feel like they have the right to tell me how to live mine. It's the Christmas season so of course people will look back at the year and their lives and figure out that they are part of the corporate machine...Have accomplished nothing... And are no more important than anybody else on the face of this planet. I think it is at this point where something inside them snap. They decide to give meaning to their life by taking up a cause.

I give full credit to volunteers and people behind the scenes in charities to try and make a difference but to all activists I will ask politely to come down of their self righteous pedestals and join reality. Get a real job and join the productive side of society. I am sick of people forcing their beliefs on me. The big one now is Christmas being commercialised. fuck off already. Everyone knows this. It's fit in or fuck off. Do you realize how much money is given to charities this time of year because of the commercialization. Do you realize that a lot of small businesses survive or fail based on Christmas sales. It's sad but because of other activists you could get sued if you even refer to Christmas in schools or heaven forbid you mention J.C.'s birth.

Christmas is for families. Families and children who all they know is Santa Claus and get so excited they can't sleep because he's coming that night. Society has become a place where materialistic goods and gifts are the way of showing how much you care and love a person. Just like T.V. is a cheaper alternative to babysitters. I don't like it but it is society. You can to change that. An if you wish to try, do it by setting an example. If you and your family buy no gifts and get by on love, I do envy you. I wish the world was like that, but it isn't. What are you accomplishing by coming tio the mall and yelling at strangers and telling children there is no Santa clause. Real hero asshole. Because you don't like society pressuring you into acting one way, you figure you can solve it by pressuring other people to act your way. Justify your actions because you are doing it for the good of all or even better pick a religion. They are really good to hide behind and use as an excuse to be a hypocritical asshole while feeling like you now have a purpose in life.

If it isn't these assholes, I have to deal with random uninformed people trying to be the good Samaritan. Taking up the cause to fight injustice in the world. There is nothing like arresting somebody who broke into a vehicle and tried stealing another families Christmas and being chastised for it. Of course the thief isn't coming without a fight, yelling screaming and causing a scene. If anything me and my guys get abused during this process more than the criminal. It never fails... Someone will come and interrupt us giving the criminal a card saying "I don't l;ike the way they are treating you, I am / or know a good lawyer.. Call me" then they will stare at us and tsk before walking away. We are doing our jobs protecting these people and they judge us and try to intervene to hoping it can make themselves better able to look in the mirror and feel important. These are the same ignorant people who are the first to call and complain when their vehicles are broken into. They call for blood and blame security when it happens. But at this moment it gives meaning to their lives to interject into a situation where they know nothing.
Fuck off.

And for feminists. Support woman, don't bash men. There is a difference. As long as you use men keeping you down as an excuse, you will never reach the corporate or social equality because you will all be branded as people who whined / bitched and complained their way to success. It won't be earned Furthermore Equality is equality. Fight to be equal nothing more. Affirmative action is a joke. For the police force why can't both men and women do 25 push ups. You want equality this sounds like equality to me. But no.......
You will admit to physical differences when it's convenient to you. THAT IS NOT EQUALITY.
You blast us for the stereotype that men are stronger than women and then fight for your right to attempt one pushup being equivalent to 25 mens pushups. Women are stereotypically smarter. Do men only have to score 60% on the written tests to pass while women have to score 80%.
No, because we will better ourselves and accept responsibility for our actions. If we fail it is because we fail not because someone else is keeping us down. Stop looking for excuses and causes to make yourselves feel better about your own life. Basically women have found a support group to confirm and boost each other believing that all of there failures are as a result of men. (not their own actions)

I am not bashing women with this statement at all. I am proud of the women who have overcome stereotypes and barriers to become successful. I truly believe men and women are equal in every aspect, I just think feminists take things too far and are perpetuating an extinct stereotype to the point that it is becoming the very crutch they are fighting against.

If you want to feel better about yourself, help make a difference for others in some other way than by telling them how to live there lives and forcing your ideals and beliefs upon them. Shovel your elderly neighbor's walk, or get a gift for the children of the struggling single mom in your apartment building, make a point to pick up litter wherever you go. Or do absolutely nothing, It is your choice to make. Not mine to dictate, all I ask is the same respect.

Mall Security

2005-11-21T15:10:00.000-07:00

Yes I am not so proud to admit that I am a mall security manager. This profession is the punchline of many jokes and to be fair it's rightfully so. I know my place and I know my role, I am very humble but it still amazes me the stupid complaints I have to deal with on a daily basis. I have decided to make a list to share with you people. Please take into account that these people demand to speak to security for their complaints, and will not settle for any other department. For these people who go out of their way to make these complaints... all I can ask is seriously as mall security what would you like me to do:

1. A pigeon pooped on my car.
O.K. I will assemble my swat team of mall security personell and personally capture every pigeon on the southside of the city. Once caught, we will have our officer who specializes in speaking pigeon, interogate them all to identify the one that pooped on your specific vehicle. If after a lengthy trial the pigeon is found guilty, you can then take civil action against it for the cleanup of your vehicle.

2. Your chinese restaurant isn't serving chow mein.
Oh my god it's a code 44. I will begin administering water torture until they relinquish there terrorist act of devoiding the mall patrons of chow mein. I assure you I will notify the government and the chinese embassy accordingly.

3. My roomate owes me rent and when he moved out he took my cat.
O.K. even though you are not a tenant of the mall I will use my top secret connections to get a hold of batman. He owes me a favour, and i am sure he will rectify this horrible injustice. You did the right thing by calling mall security right away.

4. "Parents with little ones" parking is discriminatory to people who have chosen not to have families.
My apologies mam, i will get right on labelling each individual parking stall for families or singles. I will ensure equall numbers of both equal distance from the mall. Next time you come to the mall call me on my cell and if there is no front row parking, i will just tow away somebody from a handicapped stall for you.

5. Kids are sitting in the food court.
Those little bastards. How dare they think they have the same rights as people. I agree.. they have to be up to no good because they are wearing hats. I will remove them and notify their parents that they have escaped right away.

to be continued.......

For Chrissy on her birthday

2005-11-16T13:40:00.000-07:00

Once there was a rich guy and a poor guy, The poor guy asks the rich guy "so what did you get your wife for her birthday?" the rich guy replies "a ferrari and a mercedes, so when she wants to feel rich she can drive the ferrari and when she wants to feel important she can drive the mercedes. What did you get your wife" the poor guy replies " I got her a sweater and a vibrater" the rich guys asks "why" the poor guy says "If she doesn't like the sweater she can go fuck herself"

Here's hoping you have no need for a vibrator and a very happy birthday!!!

"China is a big country, inhabited by many chinese"
-French primeminister

Corporate Music

2005-11-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

With the art and music scene becoming saturated with untalented dribble, it's nice to see a good old band making music for the proper reasons.

please support your local indie artists.

Song #1

Song #2

Song #3

Song #4 Get past the intro to the live performance. It's worth it!!!!

Song #5

Song #6

Enjoy

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
-George W. Bush

An older boy put me up to it

2005-11-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

My apologies, I promise no more after today (because I can't remember anymore). But for now enjoy more "D" list jokes.

Time flies like a blur. Fruit flies like a banana.

My clock was hungary so it went back four seconds

Did you know that prostitutes get paid for staff meatings

The headlines this morning: They're made by pillows

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up tothe bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

When she told him he was average, she was just mean.

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies "For you, no charge."

I had a girlfriend with a wooden leg, but I broke it off.

"I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman."
-Arnold Schwarzeneger

"D" list jokes

2005-11-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares

I wrote a book on penguins, I probably should have used paper.

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.

I used to go to an origami class, until it folded.

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You drive. I'll man the guns."

I see said the blind man. I saw said the carpenter

Kill a circus act. Go for the juggler.

There was a frog who parked his car in a no-parking zone. He shouldn't have been suprised when it was toad away.

I am now seriously embarassed for myself. Sorry people.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-Brooke Shields

Just Another Crazy Hoyle

2005-11-03T10:27:00.000-07:00

Extract from the Yorkshire Evening Post:

A drunk who claimed he had been raped by a dog was yesterday jailed for 12 months by a judge. Martin Hoyle, 45, was arrested by police after a passing motorist and his girlfriend found a Staffordshire bull terrier, called Badger, having sex with him at the side of a road in Huddersfield, West Yorkshire.

Prosecutor Ben Crosland said the couple had stopped to help because they thought Hoyle was being attacked by the animal. But when they got closer they saw that he had his trousers round his ankles, was down on all fours and the dog was straddling him from behind."The defendant mumbled something about the dog having taken a liking to him," said Mr Crosland. "The couple were extremely offended and sickened by what they saw." Another passing motorist contacted the police and Hoyle was arrested as he walked with the dog down the road.Hoyle, of East view, Marsh, Huddersfield, told police "I can't help it if the dog took a liking to me. He tried to rape me."

He repeated the rape allegation at the police station and added "The dog pulled my trousers down." Hoyle, who has had a long-standing alcohol problem, was jailed for 12 months after he admitted committing an act which outraged public decency.His barrister said Hoyle had no memory of the incident because of his drunken state, but was now very remorseful and incredibly embarrassed.

Jailing him, Judge Alistair McCallum told Hoyle "Never before in my time at the bar or on the bench have I ever had to deal with somebody who voluntarily allowed himself to be buggered by a dog on the public highway. Frankly it is beyond most of our comprehension. It is an absolutely disgusting thing for members of the public to have to witness."

Why is the judges only concern that the public had to witness this??????? I guess marrying "D" isn't the craziest thing a Hoyle has done.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. "
- Mariah Carey

Wayne Gretzky ruined hockey

2005-10-26T09:16:00.000-06:00

I know this is a tough sell in Edmonton, but let’s face it, the game started to tank when Gretz was shipped to LA. The worst thing that ever happened to hockey was an aggressive expansion into markets that didn’t understand or appreciate the game. This was very much a result of the interest in hockey that was raised when Gretzky moved south, but more importantly, his very active role encouraging this rapid, ill-thought out expansion. It is hard to feel passionately about a game you didn’t grow up with – I don’t give a fuck about cricket or stock car racing – and so it’s insane to think that hockey will flourish in Miami or even Nashville. All that happens is you get more “entertainment” and less sport.

Anyone who’s suffered through what is now passed off as a night out at Rexall place knows what I’m talking about. Along with the Americanization of the game – more bells and whistles, dancing girls and lasers, and less focus on enjoying the game – has come a watering down of talent in the league by simply having too many teams, which in part has led to the dull hooking and grabbing that we all have to endure over the years. Again this product has become so poor and poorly managed we have endured a year without and have come back to a marketing scheme again focused on the american non- interested viewer.

The product we now watch is an even more "entertinment" focused game with shootouts, and rules focused on instant gratification of entertainment for the american viewer rather than competition focus in which sport was built on. This isn't the game of hockey anymore. I have always loved the sport(s) because it was the ultimate reality show. You had your protagonist and antagonist where anything could happen and the good guy doesn't always win. The game had involved more than just european skill. You could conquer with teamwork and heart. This has been taken away in the new No Hit Leauge. The biggest complaint in past years from canadians (the creators of this fine sport) was the mockery of the all-star game and the way it was played. But americans would rather watch cars drive than appreciate the little things in a 2-2 tie. I understand you can't appreciate what you don't understand... but again we cater to the almighty $$$ and in a vain attempt to reach a uninterested market we turn the whole season into one big all-star game. All thanks to Mr. Gretzky

Don’t get me wrong, Wayne was as good a player as they come, and I loved seeing him in a Team Canada uniform. But, let’s not forget he now chooses not to live in Canada anymore, and he now coaches the Coyotes - continuing to prop up a team in Phoenix of all places – where were your saviour dollars when the Jets were folding up shop, or managing partner interest when the oilers were in dire straits in the heart of hockey land???

Things I have learned

2005-10-24T13:54:00.000-06:00

Here is just a list of some of the things I have learned in my life. i really wish they told us this in school:

It's not how busy you are ... its how busy you look

Rebates are the governments way of bribing us with our own money.

Doing the job properly the 1st time, doesn't really apply if you are paid by the hour.

You can hit a kid with glasses

Cat's don't like haircuts.

Your old place of employment will survive just fine without you

If you do something on your own accord as a nice gesture for someone, you are happy to do it. If the same person has to ask / tell you to do that same thing, you don't really want to.

No Oilers lead is safe.

If you take your cat for a walk your friends will laugh at you.

Animals ARE just as afraid of you as you are of them... (that's why they attack.)

Toast you pay for is a thousand times better than toast you make.

Your face will not stay that way. Despite what your mom says.

Age and wisdom will always conquer youth and skill

Love can tare people apart as well as bring them together

"Stop living in the past" is not a valid excuse

Plans with friends get ditched for any plans that might include the possibility of sex

Your cat will always choose furniture over a scratching post.

You don't get luck from mailing unfunny crap to 10 of your friends

Before and after pictures are touched up.

A modular home is still a trailer. No matter what country star endorses it.

People will pay to watch cars drive in cricles for 300 laps if there is a possibility for carnage

College life is exactly how they portray it on t.v. ( except the girls, parties, money, food, grades and sex)

Even if you win an arguement with your girlfriend, you still lose.

A mouth full of sour salt will burn a hole in your tongue.

Truth is subjective, and therefore doesn't really exist. (whatever a person believes to be the "truth" becomes the "truth")

You get what you pay for.

Never eat in a restaurant with a score from the Health Inspector below 90%.

Never volunteer to join any organization. (Every person already in a volunteer organization is just looking for a sucker to take over their job. You join and 2 weeks later you will be President!)

Some lumps / injuries on your body just don't "go away"

Always tip the baggage people at the airport (if you care to see your luggage again).

Ignorance is bliss. (plausable deniability)

Any time you see a way to get rich advertised on television, remember this: they can obviously make more money selling their crap to you then actually using their own advice.

You will not win the lottery (it is NOT a viable retirement plan).

The older a man gets, the more his attractiveness is in direct proportion to his net worth.

Las Vegas did not build all those big casinos by losing money to guys from Millet "with a system".

A Nigerian Princess is not really looking for someone to help her get her millions out of the country. Now matter what the e-mail says.

It really is who you know and not what you know

Your kids are not really smarter and cuter than everyone else's.

Never piss off a Carny.

New Tide really isn't any better.

Tattoos are nature's way of allowing you to identify stupid people when they aren't smoking.

Bosses rarely appreciate "straight talkers", "being blunt", or "telling it like it is".

Your parents were always right and always knew. (wether you want to admit it or not)

Married friends are not allowed out on their own. (except D)

Unknown is the cause of all fear... and wanting is the cause of all unhappiness

Try and fail vs Happy with what you have

2005-10-18T09:13:00.000-06:00

Risk and reward. To what extent should someone live by this motto. All the cliches in life point towards striving for something you think will make you happy and complete. "You never know unless you try", "you have to be in it to win it", " if at first you don't succeed try, try again"

Are these mantras to actually live by? or are they defense mechanisms created by people who failed to ease there hurt. To what extent should one live by these motivators. No Fear, Persistence, and never say die, are great when approaching materialistic things, but what about life in terms of people and relationships.

There is a person in my life whom which I love very much. Not just love but honestly am in love with... Always have and begining to think always will. We have dated and broken up twice now, but that has never stopped the way I feel. Even though we probably fought more than anything, I would rather be with her fighting than without her. It was why I continually tried, to make things better.

The first time we separated I was a a wreck. I was absolutely distraught and probably cried my self to sleep the majority of the nights. I couldn't even enjoy the things I love or the accomplishments I was having because she was not there to share them with. I actually prayed every night for a second chance and after a series of unfortunate events I began going back to church a few times. I remember actually feeling and believing that I would easily sacrifice all of my career goals to have her back. (I hate Irony!!!!!) I had found my priorities in life and they were that as long as she was in my life I'd be o.k. Love conquered all.

Then against what seemed like all odds, after hearing time and time again it would never happen from her mouth, I got my Christmas / New years miracle. I got what every person prays for in some capacity ... A second chance.

Things started off good. I was a little uneasy with her still going for coffee with her ex and him professing his love and giving flowers but I trusted her. I have lived by and still believe that with or without me as long as she is happy, I'm happy. That is all I want to see. Having said that given the right circumstances I fully believe I could make her happy. I can't even explain to people how she made me feel when things were good. It was a feeling I have never experienced before. I felt loved, needed, wanted, safe, and confident. It was a feeling I still believe if we are able to put personal insecurities behind us, we could experience again.

Then came Feb. 22 2005, a day which will live in infamy. To try to elaborate how bad this was, it is 940 hrs and I am writing this at work with a co-worker across from me and I had to leave the room because my eyes filled in tears. Not for the direct result of this day, (the cop thing will happen, I assure you all I will make it happen), But I am choked up because of the spiral of misunderstanding and poor communication this caused. This day eventually took away my hopes and dreams temporarily. Not only career wise but love wise as well.

All I haven't blocked out was walking 30 some blocks back to the hotel because my car broke down being absolutely stunned. Upon arriving my Dad and My little brother were there all smiles until they saw my face. ( have to leave again now)

Anyway, needless to say I was distraught. I couldn't stop crying and shaking. Not for me and not even feeling sorry for myself. I was distraught because I felt like I let everyone down. I am a big boy and I can swallow a lot of emotion. I can handle being a failure because I know I can always take care of myself. I couldn't handle disappointing my family or loved ones, or the thought or being a failure and bringing the woman I care the most about in this world down with me.

This wonderful woman was waiting for me to get home. It is in her nature to comfort and to try to console me. All she wanted was too see me and try to make me feel better. Believe me I know, understand, and recognize this. Maybe it was pure selfishness but I couldn't do it. I loved her enough I couldn't handle the thought of her being with a failure. I couldn't handle the fact that this beautiful, caring, amazing woman who I look at and see that she could have probably any guy she wanted was stuck with me. I was afraid I couldn't give her the future she deserved. Even though these feelings were of result of low self esteem from the incident itself, it shouldn't have taken me too long to turn it around into motivation. Instead these feelings were multiplied every time I looked at her. She changed from the face of my motivation to the face of my failure. I let down the person I loved most.

She told me and in fact I understood that these feelings were in my head only. She cared and just wanted to share with me. I remember the first night which was the beginning of the spiral. She just wanted to see me and console me. I was distraught and just wanted to crawl and my hole and stay there until I have worked some things out. It was in her nature to try to come into my hole with me to try and help me. I couldn't let her in. She kept trying and I kept closing the door, sometimes even getting frustrated and lashing out at her because she kept trying. I couldn't come out until I was ready.

Eventually I think she began digging her own hole. She took my actions as rejection. She needed to know why I wouldn't let someone I love into my hole to help me. Why I couldn't share what I was feeling. The truth is I wanted to, but I couldn't. Even at the time I saw her going into her own hole because of the rejection she was feeling. Seeing me hurt again someone I love so much just pushed me deeper in to my hole. The deeper I went, the more rejected she felt and the deeper she went. The deeper she went, the deeper I went.

There were days I came out of my hole and tried to pull her out of hers, but she couldn't do it. She has been through so much in her life it was her defense mechanism to just detatch all together.

Then came a day when I woke up. I cut most of my friends and social life off for this woman because I knew no other way. I realized it all along and was happy with it. I was %100 in love and dedicated, even while fighting. The relationship would have ended a lot earlier but I knew I loved her. I remembered the pain of not being with her. My 2 best friends reminded me of this. In all actuality they were the only members of my support structure left. They in part were the reason for the second chance. I owe them so much in life. One man would just listen to me and understand what I was saying. The woman would do it also and remind me of why I love my girlfriend. These people were supportive while laying it out straight. It was and still is the most important thing a person can do for me. Being honest while caring.

With a simple "what nice things have you done for her?" I realized, how simple this should be to fix. Just go back to the beginning and show her you care. I came out of my hole, realizing again what my priorities should be and I tried. Every day I woke up, came out of my hole and tried.
unfortunately she was already gone. No matter how hard I tried she was looking for a fight, or for a reason to be miserable. With my emotional shelves filled up I had little tolerance and patience for this and we would begin to fight.

But everyday I woke up and tried, I would get into trouble for even nice things, which I would argue and defend. (when you are a guy and you naturally do a majority of stupid things, you have to defend the odd nice one) I got discouraged. She believed if she was upset with me last night... Why shouldn't she be this morning. The real sad thing is that they were all over stupid things. I actually got told , "how dare you come to bed and snuggle me last night"

The harder I tried, the worse I got. All I heard and felt was that I was a horrible person, who did these horrible things. The more I defended myself the worse it got.

The lowest point of the whole relationship in my mind was when the miscommunication got to the point we hurt someone we both love. This person all she tried to do was consistently help us and we hurt her. It was one situation honestly where I felt my girlfriends looking for a fight and warping everything I said into a negative got taken too far, and that was it.

I still couldn't break up with her because I knew if we could ever come out of our holes and be on the same level we could make it wonderful. Meanwhile I was encountering another problem. I was deeply depressed. I and most of my friends and family felt it was still the policing thing on my mind .

I slowly realized that trying every day and failing, or fighting with the person I loved was the problem making me so depressed. I became a bit selfish in my defense. I started thinking and asking, "what have you done to make me feel like your boyfriend" I couldn't think of much and she actually acknowledged that there wasn't. This was the justification for feeling like shit every day because I wasn't being given a fair opportunity to make the person I love happy and I was feeling her slip through my fingers.

The harder I gripped the more that she slipped through. She suggested and it might have worked if I could accept it, an idea about a break. Looking back this may have given us the time needed to come out of our holes and back to a level ground. When you have someone so amazing you are afraid to let it go. I look around and I could see that even her close friends were in love with her and I didn't want anyone to have a chance of taking the love of my life away. Things started to turn around when I wrote her an e-mail; stating that I want things to go back to the beginning... We were trying and it was o.k. We still had the odd fight over a football game or video, the thing was that I was still only receiving pain from the relationship.

I would see her face light up, when a friend would call or come over. Even if it was a friend she saw more than me at this point. I saw the way she acted and treated her friends, and I became jealous. I didn't even get an acknowledgement when I walked in the door. She wouldn't even sit with me on the same couch. We were civil but not back "together"

All of these minor things were blows to my self esteem. It made me miserable and therefore I'm sure miserable to be around. Then I had a thought, I was going to voice my opinion because I couldn't live like this anymore.

I justified it to my self that I would state a quasi relationship wasn't for me. We had to start over and be together and honestly try to make this work. I wanted to be treated like her boyfriend and wanted to start loving each other again. I thought I was being sweet, I had full intentions of her going the way to stay together after the response to the last e-mail. I knew there was a chance she would decide to separate. I convinced my self that worst case scenario I could be her friend and she would be as happy to see me as her other friends. I would actually get treated better as a friend, and still be kept in her life.

We ended up separating and unlike the first time I wasn't devastated. I was relieved. It was pressure immediately off my shoulders. Living with the fact that everyday I tried and failed to make someone I love happy was gone. Even people at work noticed I was walking around more confident and with my head high for a change. You cannot understand how painful it was to watch the one I love so unhappy as a result of me, knowing that if given a real chance i could fix all the insecurities.

I was actually even a little upset because I was made out to be the bad one, or the cause. I didn't believe this was accurate. I tried. I tried so hard and all I wanted was an actual opportunity for her to let me show her. I never was given that opportunity.

nowm the pressure off, I was feeling good and was going out getting my social life back when I ran into the strangest problem.

I was excited about going on dates, excited about recapturing the feeling I first felt with now my ex. I went out with some other women who were pretty, career minded, absolute sweethearts and the rest. The problem is I sit here and feel nothing. An amazingly beautiful woman goes out of her way to get me hockey tickets she probably can't afford. I turn them down????? I should be in love... My friends love her, my brother thinks she is the hottest thing ever but I turn them down and her away, I keep her as a friend. Women who have been friends before have spent the night. I either hug the wall or sleep on the couch. I can't bring myself to even hold them.

I really couldn't figure out why until sunday night. The only sufficient reason in my mind is because They are not my ex. I feel more in a text message from my ex than I have on any date I have gone on. I haven't felt hung up on her since we broke up. I care for her very much but it was back of mind. I didn't cry, I haven't been depressed or sad, I was relieved. I didn't even come to realize i felt this way until Sunday night. It is not wanting something i can't have, it is something about her. Something about I've always felt and can't ignore or bottle up. It is the same thing that drove me to misery and the brink of insanity because i was with her... but I wasn't with her.

Sunday evening was an absolutely amazing night where for the first time I was truly happy. I went out with my ex and we were both out of out holes. I got exactly what I was wanting. Exactly what i was asking for all along in the last 3-4 months of our relationship. She wasn't distant or pushing me away. I was being accepted. She confided in me, I confided in her, We talked and laughed and enjoyed each others company. It was the exact result of what I wanted worst case scenario if we were to break up. We were exactly like we were before the pain, minus the physical intamacy.

Even though it was one of the happiest nights I've had in a long, long time it came with pain. Although I am capable, and will be happy just be her friend, I was left with the cause of all unhappiness in life...............

Wanting more.

Friends reading this are probably shaking their heads. I just want to thank you two for everything, Especially not judging, even though we brought you inside our problems. These are problems we should have expressed with each other. You people are great and I love you, and I apologize for any hurt you suffered as a result of my experiences. I wasn't going to write this because you gave the blog address to the very special person this is about. To that person:This is not an attempt, please don't retreat and revoke friendship. I am emotionaly strong enough to be your friend and not make things awkward. This is clearing a lot of emotional bottles off my shelf. I would tell you in person if I thought you wanted to hear it.

This is who I am and how I feel, for better or for worse.

In this and in life:

Is it better to be happy with what you have, or risk everything to fight against impossible odds to achieve something greater ???????????????

Jeopardy

2005-10-17T12:49:00.000-06:00

I know a few of my friends are having a rough day. So instead of writing anything I just posted a few links. I really hope they bring a smile to whoever needs one out there.

It's amazing what a little laughter can do.

So i hope you enjoy my pirated links, and feel comforted in the fact that at least, help has finally arrived for the Katrina victims:

Format Change

2005-10-13T15:12:00.000-06:00

It's been a week since my last rant and I've been thinking about how to use this forum. I have thought of many more rants in which some people might find amusing, but I have also really wanted to express my opinion on events, relationships, love, and life in general.

Even more than express my opinion I want to express it and ask questions. I am a person who strives to learn as much about himself and others as possible. I've been in arguments and experienced situations in which I have firmly believed I handled in the maturist way possible, and then don't understand why a shoe is being hurled at my head.

These are the types of things I want to bring to my gallery of readers (3). I am not looking for backup so that I can win an argument. I want to know honest opinions. If I am doing something wrong like pollushioning, I won't know unless you tell me. Under no circumstances do I believe I am absolutely right. This is why I am asking the question. Feel free to correct me or give me your point of view. Also please don't get offended, You or a similar situation to one in which we were in, may be mentioned. I am just searching to see if I was insane or if it was just the shoe throwing garden gnome.

Since a recent poll suggested 50 -66% of my readers are female, I have a special warning for you. I don't understand you people, therefore you will be the focal point of many discussions. DO NOT be offended. As a famous quote says, " seek first to understand, then you can be understood" I honestly want to understand. As opposed to most women I encounter who only seek to understand why I don't understand their point!!

I also have been hesitant for a week because I really want to use this as a diary of sorts. I am afraid to be judged or analyzed by this, but I need a release in my life that doesn't involve punching someone in the face when the ref isn't looking.

I am going to be truthful and as honest as possible here. I have nothing to hide, and I would probably tell all 2-3 people this in person anyway. Just don't take things to heart if you disagree, it is only one dorks opinion and I don't want you to hold the way I feel against me outside the matrix

Monostat 7

2005-10-06T15:16:00.000-06:00

I may be a dork and a very dimwitted male at most times but can any female reader out there explain to me why there is a Monostat 7.

I was in my local pharmacy today getting the best over the counter drug combination man can make (Sudafed + Nyquil) and I passed by some feminine products. Once I got past the original feelings of outrage because these products are frequently advertised during sporting events and other predominantly male viewed t.v shows, causing moments of awkwardness and sometimes strange arousal when out with the boys. I took the time to observe the different brands of yeast infection cures.

First of all I have no idea what a yeast infection is and all I can envision is a dinner roll with too much baking powder left on it, but I am sure that having one is not a pleasant experience. There fore my question is why monostat 7 exists when you can buy monostat 5 / monostat 3 and just plain monostat.

What would possess a woman to choose a 7 day cure when a 3 day is available????? Isn't, "not tonight I have a headache" a good enough excuse!!!

And what does this infection have against even numbers????